Hope is such a dangerous thing. You are constantly told in trying times not to lose hope, you are close to your breakthrough. These are the words I would boldly tell others who were going through a lot, and could not seem to keep their heads above water. I am now in such a deep and trying situation. Presently, I am realizing how annoying that phrase can be. It is very easy to say “oh don’t lose hope, things will get better” till you are actually in a deep dark pit yourself.
Honestly, I can say Hope is something I’ve always had. It’s what I have always clung onto when there was no form of rescue or change in sight. But in this current time, it’s so hard. I have little sessions in which I panic, and I remember the word of God and the declarations that have been made over me, and I start smiling again.
But now I am getting closer and closer to this problem. I feel like it is breathing heavily down my neck, and little panic sessions become full on panic attacks. And then they stop. And I’m smiling again. Sometimes I wonder if everything is okay upstairs. I say “one-minute you are crying, the next you are laughing is everything alright???” It’s like Ataisi don’t you recognize how serious this issue is, you shouldn’t be laughing or smiling. But that’s what hope does, because, in the midst of the craziness and confusion, it can still make me smile and provide this feeling of assurance that things will be fine.
The funny thing I find myself doing, is I begin to sing worship songs even when I’m not in the mood to.
Recently, scratch that, over an hour ago, I was crying and I was somewhat angry. I’m saying to God “I know you have chosen this period to test me”, and I’m angrily folding my clothes. I avoid praying, although I said I would. I’m just asking God what exactly does He require of me and I want a clear and audible answer. Then I manage to just STOP. (Like that’s how it goes, cry, then just stop). And I start singing something like “I will worship Him”, and I’m wondering why worship songs, why not something else. I was singing lion king before I broke down, why not that? And I keep singing different songs, and they centered around one thing:
Exalting God and lifting Him high.
And the song, I have been singing lately is “Hosanna in the Highest, let my king be lifted high, Hosanna.” It’s like God is telling me, that I shouldn’t focus on the problem but on Him. Trust me it’s so hard to do, but that’s ALL I can do now. Instead of dodging Him and wallowing in ice cream and food, tv shows, or social media, all I can do is trust He has my back like He has in the past.
**sidenote: I listend to Tye Tribett’s Glow fest performance on Youtube, and God’s words to him were (I paraphrased): the enemy is our target but He is not the focus. The focus is that I (God) be lifted up. The focus is let God arise, and the enemies will scatter (Psalm 68:1). When we focus on the enemy, we begin to sink like Peter focussing on the storm (Matt 14:29-30). When we let God arise, sickness is scattered, poverty is scattered, all our issues are scattered. (Listening to this YT video right now just ministered to me, and I’m dancing again)
Moving on: Sometimes I just feel like I’m not worth God helping through this certain situation or situations because I didn’t work too hard. But when have I ever been worth it or deserving? When has anyone ever been worth it or deserving of God’s mercy and favor? You may feel well I’m entitled to God’s blessing because of so so so and so, but not really, He does it our of mercy and love for us? Because you could never work for God’s love. God graciously gives (Romans 8:32).
I feel really happy now, it’s amazing. I thank God for always reaching out to me in certain ways.
Don’t let doubt ever settle in your mind, it is equally as dangerous. If you let it fester too long, it becomes this nasty mold that requires a lot to deal with and correct. In times of doubt, surround yourself with the word of God, just worship, and remember who He is to you.
One thing I always say to encourage myself is if God has preserved me for so long, He definitely has great plans for me. For His sake, I have an expected end, and He will prosper me all the way through (Jer 29:11). This stress ( because it’s not even worth called suffering) will only last a little while, and then Christ in His infinite mercy will “only perfect, stablish, strengthen, [and] settle,” me (1 Peter 5:10).